by John Hoffman Knowing when to back off is an important Dad skill I love a lot of things about spring. But what I love best is that people come out of hibernation. When the weather gets warmer you see people outdoors more often, especially kids. I can still remember the heady feeling of spring when I was a kid. I could go outside without a heavy coat, wearing my sneakers. I didn’t have to put a lot of effort into staying warm. I felt lighter and full of energy. I was reminded of this the other day during a visit to a relative and her new baby. Last fall, Meghan*, her 12-year-old son Zach* and her new partner Sean* had moved to a new neighbourhood where city planners had wisely included some green space in the plan. As I looked out Meghan’s back window and exclaimed about how nice the pond and wooded area looked, she started talking about how much time her son Zach* had been spending outdoors in the last two weeks. In their previous neighbourhood the kids were always on their devices, she said. “But the kids around here are always outside,” she said. Zach and his buddies have been spending a ton of time in the green space. They used shovels and rakes to construct some jumps for their bikes. Recently they went over to a nearby construction site and talked the workers into giving them some scrap building materials, which they used to make a fort. One of the boys had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and one present he asked for was a tarpaulin (I love it!). They used the tarp to make the roof of their fort. This is all great stuff. Kids outside being active, creative and happy; creating all sorts of positive energy for themselves. But this blog is not about the virtues of outdoor play, although I could go on about that. There’s a dad angle to this story that illustrates an important, but sometimes tricky, aspect of fatherhood. Meghan told me a story about how Sean, who is Zach’s stepdad, went with the lads one day to check out the fort. They were really proud of their construction and wanted to show it off. Sean was curious and wanted to see what they’d done and, as a dad, he likely wanted to check the situation out for safety. Sean liked the fort, but he also thought it was a little bit untogether. He could see how it could be improved. Sean is a teacher, so giving kids ideas about how to do things better comes naturally to him. But, – and this is the part I like – he kept his advice to himself. Later he told Meghan, “It was hard to keep my mouth shut because I kept seeing ways they could have made their fort better. But I didn’t want to interfere because it was their thing.” I think this was a great call. Kids need to have their own things that adults don’t interfere with, especially as they get older. So much of what children do these days is structured; adults are often involved as teachers, supervisors, coaches and, in some cases, participants. But kids need to have aspects of their lives where they are in charge (within reason, of course); where they choose what to do and how to do it. Not only do they learn from the thinking, planning and decision-making that go with being “in charge”, it also gives them a sense of their own power and control over their lives. That’s important. Learning how to run your own life is one of the most important tasks of growing up. Free play is one of the best ways for kids to get practice in being in charge of little parts of their lives. Outdoor play in places like kid-built forts is particularly good because adults are least likely to be in kids’ hair — giving directions, correcting and doing the planning. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t supervise and, at times, correct. I’m just saying that kids need their own “things” and their own “spaces” where they can learn how to be themselves. Making the thousands of little decisions about when to step in and supervise and when to stay out of your child’s way is one of the trickiest parts of being a father. And honestly, there is only one way to figure out how to do it right – trial and error. Letting kids build forts and organize their own play spaces is a good way to practice that trial and error, just as it is a great way for kids to practice being responsible for themselves. … More Letting Kids Do Their Thing
by John Hoffman Like many other Canadians, I have become part of a support group for a family of refugees from Syria. I came a little late to this party. I started out doing volunteer driving for various folks last summer. But recently one of the support groups here in Peterborough lost a couple of … More The Joys of Being With Kids: How some Syrian children are helping me rekindle some of the best feelings of fatherhood
by John Hoffman You’re not supposed to think about work when you’re on holidays. But on my recent trip to Europe I couldn’t help it. I kept seeing soooo many great examples of hands-on fatherhood. I guess I kind of have an eye for that sort of thing. Most of the dads and kids I … More You’ve Come A Long Way, Dads
Welcome to The Directive. This is a regular assortment of father related news stories, information, and fun stuff. Fatherhood gets a lot of press in a new publication: Research Perspective on Work and the Tranistion to Motherhood. Fatherhood is the focus of world-wide research: Rwanda Brazil Bulgaria and The Netherlands Bangladesh Become Father-friendly certified – … More The Directive – Sept 6, 2016
by John Hoffman Steve is used to the looks he gets from salespeople when he gives his teenaged daughters advice on what colour makeup to buy. He got similar looks when he took 16-year-old Anna to buy a prom dress. He really got looks when he took Anna and Siobhan to buy their first bras. … More Dads and Teenagers: Keep talking no matter what
by John Hoffman I was intrigued, and a little amused, to see this headline the other day: “Fatherhood has changed my judging style: Simon Cowell.” Ha! So the famously critical celebrity judge, who has trashed all sorts of performers on shows like American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent, has gone a little softer now that … More Fatherhood Changed Simon Cowell – It will change you, too
by John Hoffman The federal government recently floated the idea of changing Canada’s parental leave policies to include “Daddy Days.” That’s a chunk of paid parental leave that can be taken only by fathers. I’ll gladly add my voice to those who want to see the feds follow through with this policy. Daddy Days is … More Up With Daddy Days!